Tuesday, September 29, 2009

dark days

Yesterday was, by far, one of the worst days in my adult life. I should have known that nothing ever comes easily for me -- that sometimes it seems as though I need to work 4x as hard as everyone else to achieve the same goals -- and that it was stupid to actually get excited about a pending sale of our house. Regardless as to how anxious that buyer seemed to be.

We've been so overwhelmingly busy these past few months - literally every waking hour not spent at work has been consumed with some home project or another, some meeting about the house or another, or working to find a new house. There's been very little time to enjoy anything.

Saturday, back when we had an accepted offer and a month to move, I found a last-minute sitter for the boys and our realtor and I trekked throughout an entire county (a 483 sq mile county) searching for the perfect house.

Nothin'.

The homes I saw were either extremely overpriced or in mass need of TLC. We saw TWELVE houses.

TWELVE.

Nothin'.

Not even a "maybe".

The realtor suggested we up the dollar amount in our search criteria, find a home we loved and simply make an offer of much less than their asking price. (Somewhere she, with 18+ years of experience, felt those homes should be priced to begin with.)

Sunday morning was our inspection. Nothin' like fast-trackin' everything...we'd gotten the signed accepted offer Tuesday night and got the phone call Friday night that the inspection was to be at 9 a.m. on Sunday morning. (First of all - who the hell DOES that?!? A Sunday?!? REALLY?!?) So for the umpteenth time, we cleaned the house top to bottom and left the house with tired kids to go out for breakfast.

We had no reason to think that anything BAD would come back in the inspection. There were a few little things we knew about, like a garage door that needed fixing (and we'd already scheduled someone to come over and help with its repair before getting the offer). But lo and behold...there was a deal-breaker.

Now, the way the inspector wrote it up sounds like its merely "something to watch". In two places in the basement (places, honestly, we either never used or where we stored things) there is bowing in the walls.

Jay swears the walls were always like that, and the inspector says some is normal in a home of this age. But there's no mention of it in our inspection from nine years ago. However, that being said, our realtor wonders if we were duped back then and maybe we never got one...the inspection, back in June 2000, was done a month prior to closing and we were not invited. Apparently the buyers always attend the inspection, so that they can ask questions and the inspector can show them areas of concern. Or at least this is what we're told now. Who knows...

Long story short, the buyer backed out, and we're faced with either fixing something that's really expensive (or so we think - we really have no idea) or being upfront about the issue and hoping we find a buyer who thinks its no big deal and who still wants to pay what we're asking.

We have another showing this afternoon. I'm at the point where I simply can't deal with it anymore. I've never...NEVER...been the kind of person who ignores or avoids something. I've always faced any obstacle in my life head-on, making decisions where needed regardless as to how tough they were to make. I've never been afraid to work hard - my whole life has been about working hard.

But something tells me maybe this wasn't meant to be. For some reason, I'm not meant to have the life I've always wanted...its not in the cards to have a nice home I can enjoy with my hubby and my kids...and to have a few more kids at that. It seems I'm not meant to have simple evenings at home with my boys, just chillin' out, making dinner and watching TV. I'm not meant to have a big yard, where my little boys can grow to be big boys...where they can get dirty and hurt and learn that its not a good idea to jump off the garage roof onto the trampoline.

I'm apparently doomed to this life of working Momitude. Forever.

And it really really sucks.

It flashed through my brain last night that I should just quit my job and we should stay in the damn house where we are. I'd never miss another morning with a warm-bodied cuddly two-year-old who only wants to curl his head into my shoulder while watching Sesame Street. I'd never forget to bring a snack to pre-school, or if I did, I could run to the grocery store down the street and have one back to school before snack time.

I could be the field-trip Mom. The Cub Scout Mom. A cop's pretty wife.

I even have an office in which to write.

We'd still have a teeny tiny yard, and have completely overgrown our house...

...but maybe that's better than what we're going through now.

21 comments:

Melisa with one S said...

Oh my goodness Colleen, I'm so sorry!!
The news is still fresh for you; I have no doubt that you guys will figure this out and things will work out for you: keep your chin up! xoxo

Maureen @ Wisconsin Mommy said...

Colleen, I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. I saw how excited you were last week and know this is a crushing blow. I have no doubt that this is just a temporary setback - you DO deserve to have whatever kind of life you desire!!

morninglight mama said...

You know, I think I feel similarly about where we are in life-- the things that I wish we had are just not the way we can afford to live right now. So, we live 5 people in a small townhouse, with a small yard, in a less-than-perfect neighborhood, on the corner of a busy intersection. My kids are familiar with sirens and cramped play spaces. Just because it's like this today, doesn't mean it always will be...

Good luck and I hope you guys find the right answer for you right now!!

Heather said...

I'm so sorry to hear this. I know how disheartening it is when you seem to be pushed further and further away from a goal, especially one as wonderful as staying home with your kids.

I hope everything works out for you.

LceeL said...

Just hang in there. Stick to your guns. DO NOT give up. One of the most traumatic things a family goes through is moving from one house to anther. For some reason or other, it's just never EASY. That said, when it's RIGHT - when it's what's meant to be - THEN it will all just click right into place.

You have a dream. It's out there. Don't give up on it now. I know it sounds stupid to say something like this - but it's true -- when the going gets tough, the Tough get going.

You ARE tough. You KNOW you are. Now BE tough.

Secret Mom Thoughts said...

So sorry. Things will work out one way or another.

Kelly said...

I am really sorry that you got such a disappointment. I have had months and years where it seemed as if nothing would ever work out the way it should, but in the end it always does. I will say, that even if you have a small house, you can still add to your family! We have a 3 bedroom and are about to have baby number 4. Sometimes it seems you can't turn around without bumping into someone or something, but most of the time that is a good thing. There's never a dull moment. It'll be OK.

winelush said...

Colleen, I feel just awful for you! Hang in there though, the home will sell. A buyer will come through who is willing to buy the home regardless.

I can't believe that you weren't told to be present for the inspection in 2000. That's so odd, I'd really look into that, you may have a case. Did you receive a copy of the inspection? They are supposed to provide you with one. We've used Pillar to Post for both of our inspections and not only was it an inspection, it was a "How To" guide throughout our entire home.

Bobbi Janay @When did I go from a kid to a grown up? said...

That sucks, I am so sorry girl.

WeaselMomma said...

Take a deep breath. This didn't work out, but something will. Have patience. Say a prayer. Put it in gods hands and let him handle it. Put it in perspective and keep your chin up.

Kate @ Life As I Live It said...

Hang in there Colleen. I know it's frustrating when your dream seem within reach and then suddenly yanked away. But it doesn't always mean it is. Sometimes there's a different, even better dream that comes true out of it. Everything happens for a reason and you ARE strong enough to get thru it.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Oh honey. I'm so sorry. This sounds terribly frustrating.

Mary @ Giving Up On Perfect said...

I'm so sorry. I know there aren't words I can say to make it better. But please know that my heart goes out to you. And my prayers are going up for you.

Karen said...

I'm sorry to hear that you're having a hard time selling your house. Try to keep things in perspective, though. Nobody died or was hurt. There are much worse things that can happen in one's life.

Karen said...

Hugs, hon. I'm sorry. When the time is right, and your new house is ready, things will fall into place. God is good that way.

Heather said...

I am so very sorry, Colleen! But I agree with Weaselmomma, maybe this isn't meant to be. When one door closes, another one opens. Trust me, I know it's hard but I know it will get better.

Roger said...

I'm sorry to hear about the inspection, and it really sounds like it shouldn't be a big deal. Then again, living in a small house isn't so bad either, it gives everyone a since of closeness, etc. Things happen for a reason, and I'm pretty sure it isn't to make you feel miserable. Who knows, maybe you already have another offer coming in.

hillsmithfamily said...

I'm so sorry this happened to you! I know you were so excited (overwhelmed, but excited) when I met you at AJWright.

Like others have said, I hope that something more wonderful happens in the future, and that there is a reason this didn't work out at this time.

Colleen said...

Oh Colleen, I'm so sorry this buyer didn't work out. But I am CERTAIN, 100% certain that you will have what you want soon. You are a hard worker and an excellent mother, not to mention an amazing wife, and you are making sacrifices now that will pay huge dividends later. I promise. Hang in there, even if it's only by the slimmest of threads. Dig deep, you have it in you, and I know you can do it. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe again. I believe in you. And I really believe you will have your dreams fulfilled. Until then... lots and lots of love, hugs and support.

faintstarlite said...

Awh, I'm sorry to hear it fell through. *sigh* You guys will figure out what's best...

maggie said...

Oh, that just sucks. I don't even know what else to say. I do think somehow something will work out that you will be happy with in the end, but this clearly isn't the highlight of the journey getting there.