I really really hesitated to publish that post yesterday. For weeks I kicked it around in my head, writing and re-writing it until it settled into a crevice of my brain and felt comfortable there. But even still, I nervously hit publish and quickly walked away for fear that I'd try to take it down right away.
To be honest, I was worried that I'd get lots of negative reactions, but instead, what really happened is I got more supportive and loving comments and private messages than I could have ever hoped for. I was literally moved to tears by what some of my friends wrote. And I'm not a crier.
Why I'm so concerned with what other people think of me is probably something I should spend long hours thinking about. The real underlying reasons that I was so worried about people's perceptions would probably keep a shrink busy with me for months. But what struck me was the thought, "Why did I question my friends and family like that? Why was I so quick to sell them short?" Cuz really, aren't the people I choose to surround myself with smart, loving, NICE people? Hell yeah they are!
Part of me, too, was concerned about offending some of those who are closest to me by saying anything at all. I don't feel the need to share the deepest of details of my personal life, but I do feel the need to share, with people who've read these stories I tell about myself online, and many who've become real friends over the years, the basic facts about my life. I needed to put myself out there and say, "Who I am hasn't changed -- its shifted a bit, sure, but THIS IS WHO I AM AND THIS IS WHAT I'M DOING."
There's no way I can go on talking about my life and my kids and the crazy things that we do without this basic fact being known. So there it is.
I've made HUGE personal changes in the past few months, all for the better. I feel freer...lighter...happier. I want to share these things with the people who read my blog because if the things I've gone through help even one other person to obtain even just some of the happiness I've achieved in such a short time, my GOD I've got to do it.
And I haven't achieved these things alone. I feel by sharing my story online I'm paying back the kindnesses I've received by paying them forward. It feels important to me to do so.
So yes, I'll still tell you about the crazy things my kids do (because let's face it -- boys who are 4 and 6 1/2 years old provide more than enough blog fodder) and the crazy things I do (because I'll admit -- I'm still an ungraceful klutz), but I also want to share with you things that inspire me and the things I've been doing to gain back a little bit of the happy I'd let slip away from me over the years.
Even if some days all I do is post pretty pictures.
Lions Den Gorge Nature Preserve
I want to offer a most sincere and heart-felt THANK YOU to everyone who's hugged me, emailed me, texted me, left comments, sent IMs, tweeted or even just thought good thoughts about me/for me/toward me over the past few months. It thrills me more than you'll ever understand to know I have people who care about me. THANK YOU.