Friday, March 6, 2009

Top ten reasons you should never paint after midnight

For some God forsaken reason, I had it in my head that I was going to paint the bathroom last night. Around 9:30, after getting the kids in bed and taking care of several other things, I began taping and clearing items out of the room.

Although I was determined not to have to clean up all the brushes, the roller and the paint pan only to pick up where I left off today, here are ten very good reasons why you should never EVER try and do the same thing.

10) In your haste to get painting already, you may just forget to tie your hair back, so when you lean over to see if you've gotten paint up against the side of the vanity, you also just might get your hair in the paint you previously put on the adjacent wall.

9) Because you figure the bathroom is such a small room that it won't take long to paint, you may just do so in your PJs. You may just ruin the seat of those PJs when you squat down to paint behind the toilet, misjudge the size of your arse and plop that bad boy down on top of the open can of paint.

8) As you get more and more tired, you may lose your balance while standing on said vanity and grab the door of the medicine cabinet which will most surely swing open. As you fall backward into the room, you may just put your hand out behind you, catching yourself against the opposite wall. Which will surely be wet with paint.

7) Because you almost gave yourself a heart attack with that near fall, you may just decide to get a ladder out of the basement. Only with the bathroom juuuuust too narrow, you will most likely hit a wet wall with one of the ladder's legs, or hit the door which will hit the wall while moving the ladder around in the close space. You will most certainly curse much louder than you should at 11:30 pm.

6) When you dusted the tops of the doors and cabinets earlier, you may have missed a few dust bunnies on top of the cabinets. Or you may have skipped this step altogether. Either way, you definitely shouldn't just paint over the tops of the cobwebs. You may just be able to see them mixed in with the paint.

5) After standing on top of a ladder for so long, you may be just a bit light-headed when you climb down to pour more paint into the paint pan. When you lose your balance while bent over, you will more than most likely stumble backward, smooching the wet wall with your bedonkadonk.

4) If you try and paint on one of the rare warm March days in Wisconsin, when you get to the part of your project where you paint closest to the ceiling, you'll find the humidity in the air caused by all the snow melting may just cause the tape to begin to fall. You will find your own hand to provide a more steady line than that cursed tape -- if you can hold your breath to do so. At 12:30 am.

3) While standing on the ladder, holding your breath so as to paint a straight line against the snowy white freshly painted ceiling, you may just get the hiccups.

2) Because the bathroom is empty and the house silent, your hiccups will echo off the walls, making you giggle. You may just wonder if the neighbors, coming home late, hear your echoed hiccups through the open window. This thought WILL make you laugh, much louder than you should be laughing by yourself at 1 am while standing on a ladder that's balanced in the bathtub.

1) If you, in your haste to just finish the damn painting and go to bed already, decide NOT to move the ladder to better reach the last two feet of wall over the tub, you most certainly WILL lean out too far, overcompensate for nearly falling and instead fall the OPPOSITE way, causing the ladder to buck back and forth while you jump down into the bathtub. Whether or not you fell or you jumped (as you may tell yourself the next day) matters less than the fact that there will be paint on your brand new bathroom tile, adding 20 additional minutes to your clean up time before you can actually get out of your paint-smeared clothes and FINALLY, finally get to sleep.

Just consider it a little PSA from moi.


Kelly said...

Sounds like a grand time! I might do this just to test your theories. :)

Mary @ Giving Up On Perfect said...

Holy cow - what a night! I just wish you'd taken pictures! :)

Zoeyjane said...

This is why I paint naked.

Momo Fali said...

Painting bathrooms is the WORST! I would much rather paint a big room...for all of the reasons you mentioned here.

Melisa with one S said...

Good tips! I'll remember that when we are eventually able to redo our '70s bathroom...probably about 5 years from now, with this economy! :)

Zoeyjane: ROFL!!!

NicEmMOM said...

I relived the master bathroom experience on this post.... thanks for not so good memories! But I decided to skip 2 walls completely half way through the project!

Kmommy said...

HaHa! Great list!

Tom said...

And all this time I thought the kids did the craziest things!! So funny.

Amber said...


This is hilarious, but I'd like to point out that if you'd been painting with a friend (which you should always do because it goes faster) they MAY have prevented you from making some of those mistakes. And when your hiccups turned to giggles,at least you would have been laughing together instead of laughing alone which at the very least would have been a.) more fun and b.) prevented you from looking crazy if in fact, your neighbors heard you hiccupping and giggling through the open window. ;)

Kelley said...

Chick, I did the same damn thing.

And didn't learn from my mistake and decided a week later to paint the kitchen, during Boo's nap.

He was 8 months old.

Oh yeah. I am an idiot.

WeaselMomma said...

great advice! No danger of me falling into this trap.

Kim H. said...

I like zoeyjane's comment! I bet dh would love to come home to that. Naked, laughing hiccupping wife on ladder. OMG what a visual!!!

And Colleen, if you'd put down the darn crackpipe you wouldn't have so many problems with your balance and the such.

And your arse must be small if it fit in to a paint can....or were you just talking about one cheek?.....

Mama Smurf said...

Number nine had me in tears with laughter!! you crack me up!

And as if THAT wasn't enough, you went and said Bedonkadonk! I just love that word.'s just so much fun to say!

Mama Smurf said...

yes, I am a grown-up.

jp said...

Great blog- this post is HILARIOUS!

Jerri - Simply Sweet Home said...

Good list, and very funny.

Lori said...

I saw your link on Blissfully Domestic, and I'm glad I stopped by. Thanks for sharing your tips.

Lori @