Friday, July 17, 2009

A peek inside my stress addled brain.

I've been a horrible blogger lately.

I've come to the point where I can admit that I'm stressed past the point where its safe for me to be operating heavy machinery, consuming more than three alcoholic drinks or 'breastfeeding, pregnant or may become pregnant'.

I can no longer STAND to hear my own thoughts -- inside my own head -- about work and stress and, non-existent social life. Just writing this now makes me cringe.

But some part of me, the part that has always used writing as a form of therapy, needs to write it down. I no longer have any recollection of what I've written here and what I haven't, and I can't be bothered to go back and look. I mean, this is like a whole BLOG and stuff.

So here's a recap of my crazy-hectic overwhelming life. I fully realize I've said a lot of this before, that others have it worse, and that phthalates are bad, mmmkay?

Maybe I can get that voice inside my head to just SHUT.UP. about it all.*

In one of our stress-induced arguments, I shouted at my husband that the cause (in large part) of my stress problem is that for some unknown reason we're both the kind of people who never can just BE. We're always working toward the future - the next stage - what we could have. Which is great and all - this country was built by people who refused to settle for what they had - but is super-duper tiring.

I mean, 8 1/2 years ago we got engaged and began planning our wedding. Not having ultra-rich parents, or even parents of mediocre means, we knew we'd be footing the bill ourselves**. Never mind that I was already working full time and completing my bachelor's degree at night, I took on a second job to try and pay for our wedding. (Which, I'll proudly tell you, was paid for in full the day after. BOO YA!)

After the wedding? Well, we had a few months in there of trying to get pregnant (because conceiving apparently isn't my strong suit) during which we hung out with friends and took vacations and did normal people things.

I should mention around this time was when Hubs decided he didn't want to be a retail manager forever (for an electronics store that went flat out BELLY UP) and decided he wanted to go back to school. So he took a job with a schedule that would allow him to do so, and a-schoolin' he did go. Therefore, my era of 15-hour days of work then school had ended but his were just beginning. then we had a baby AND were both working full time AND Hubs was going to school. (Do we sound nuts yet? We should.) Repeat this schedule for a few years until baby #2. Then it becomes "we had two small children AND were both working full time AND Hubs was going to school".

'Til he gradumacated. Then we did the happy dance of joy, and it was good.

'Til he started to apply for jobs. Then it was the "we had two small children AND were both working full time AND Hubs was gallivanting around the state, applying for, taking physical tests for, taking written tests for, taking MORE written tests for, going to interviews for, being questioned and polygraphed and providing 10+ years of written documentation of his entire life and livelihood...{*gasp*}...all in the name of getting this job he always dreamed of having which was really like a second full time job" era.

'Til he got the job. And then we did the "OHMYGODYOUGOTAJOB!!!" dance. And it was even gooder than it was before.

'Til the new employer said, "Hey new employee! You have to live in this county - why don't you pack up everything you and your family owns, sell a house in this craptastic economy and move here? NOW!"

And then we wrung our hands and freaked the hell out.

And started packing.

'Til the Union stepped in and delivered a horse's head in someone's bed and the new employer said, "Heh...just kidding! You can live wherever you want! But your wife, who's been waiting for you to get this job for WHAT FEELS LIKE FOREVER and has been living in a too-small, very old house making due as best she can MIGHT JUST LOSE HER EVER-LOVIN' MIND if you don't. 'kay? Thanksbye."

So we each took a deep breath and decided that instead of listing our house for $50 just to sell it before the next ice age, we'd fix up the little parts that needed fixing, paint up the parts that needed painting and clean up the parts that needed cleaning and just move as soon as we could, hoping to retain more of our blood-sweat-and-tears-earned equity.

Fast forward to FOUR MONTHS LATER.

Its no wonder why people keep emailing me, asking me, "What's the deal with the house, yo?"

BUT. I am happy to report that we have FINALLY hired professionals *cough*cough*my 22-year-old brother*cough*and my other brother's pot head friend*cough*cough to come in and do some of the work that we just don't have the time to do.

Its just taking some time, what with all of the "coffee breaks" they need to take.

What can I do? They're Union.

OK, so...where the heck was I? Oh yeah. My husband and I are nuts. We are now in the "we have two small children AND we're both working full time AND have people working on stupid-ass projects (like sanding and re-painting basement windows that have 90+ years of paint on them cuz we're not replacing them at this point) that take more time than we have" stage.

And it sucks.

And I might just be losing my mind.

Cuz...footnote in there somewhere? Is the fact that through all of this I had a GREAT job with a GREAT boss and flexible hours that saved my sanity. And then, just after we found out we'd have more time to move, I got an offer for a job that was exactly the same as what I had been doing except it PAID A WHOLE CRAPLOAD MORE MONEY. Only I work later in the afternoons. And um, how can I say this tactfully so as to not be fired later because of something I wrote on the Internet? Uh..."Its a completely different atmosphere and I'm having a hard time reverting back to my days of NOT being completely self-reliant and -efficient."

Iiiiinnn....oooooouuuuutttt. In with the good air - out with the bad. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. sum it all up.
1) No, we haven't moved yet.
2) We're still overly busy people and I don't want to be overly busy any more.
3) How'm I liking the new job? "Meh. It's OK."

*Probably not.
**Except you, my dearest "up north" in laws. You did step in and pay for things, and for that we are STILL truly grateful. In fact, so grateful that I will never use the term "in laws" when referring to you ever again, cuz those words just sound ugly. Instead, you will be referred to as "The Awesomes".


Secret Mom Thoughts said...

I feel stressed just reading that. Hope you can find some relaxing time soon.

Pop and Ice said...

We bought our present home in 2004 and didn't wait to sell our old home as the market seemed vibrant. Then it tanked. And we live in Michigan. We tried for 2 years to sell the house to no avail, paying two mortgages and doing fix-ups. We had multiple real estate professionals who told us what we wanted to hear, not what we needed to hear. Had they done their job properly, the house would have been off our hands within a few months. We still own the house, rent at a loss and we don't like being landlords. Just a cautionary tale before you bring more stress into your life like we did.

And you don't need anymore stress, lady!

Colleen said...

The Awesomes, huh? So they're like Devin and Ellie on "Chuck"? :D

ahem. sorry. my lack of social life/skills is showing.

I hear ya, I feel ya on the so very busy but don't want to be busy anymore. And while I know they'll keep us busy at BlogHer, it'll be a different kind of busy AND IT WILL BE FUN! Just think of it as your not-quite-so-busy happy place with your poorly dressed bloggy friend. And other bloggy friends that are probably way better dressed and probably less weird. ;)

(btw, love the new look!)

Mary @ Giving Up On Perfect said...

You forgot the part about starting a second blog. :)

First, what I like about this here post. One, that you call your brother's friend a pot head who takes "coffee breaks." Hee. And two, that your naming of your in-laws just might indicate that you also watch my favorite TV show, Chuck.

I know. In your spare time.

Anyway - oh, my friend, I'm so sorry to hear that the stress is still going strong!!! I'm so bummed for you that the job has continued to, um, not be so great. And adding that to a life already filled with stress? Has to be wearing you down. I'm sorry. I can't help, really. But I wish I could.'s a blog hug from a few states over...

And, like all your readers, I'm still here. Reading. Listening. Caring.

Mommy Melee said...

Oh lady. *hug*

Heather said...

Wow, that was one big-ass purge. I'm sorry you're so stressed, but you can look forwrad to leaving it all behind for a few days next week. Think of the fun and the drinks and the bowling. One cannot be stressed while bowling.

Tom said...

Don't forget to take some time to smell the roses along the way.

Kim H. said...

I 2nd Mary's comment -- love the pot head union labor comment. Have I told you lately that I think you're hilarious!!!

And now I feel really bad cause I was one of those people bugging you. I just wanted to know how you were doing and if you had any action yet.

Oh honey, how I wish I could come fly out there and take you out for some beers! For reals. If I was made of money, I'd totally do that!

M said...

It's so refreshing to hear others rant and lose their mind too. You'll be ok...just know that.