Monday, November 16, 2009

Peep tea

Southerners, you may have your sweet tea, but I'll bet you've never seen anything like this. I introduce to you Peep Tea:

peep tea

Ingredients for Peep Tea:

2 slightly weird but funny as hell brothers
6,387 packed boxes, 82 of which are marked "kitchen"
2 hr lag during which you have movers at your house and nothing to move


On your moving day, combine everything you own into two trailers. Have enough extra filling that the second truck and trailer is so overloaded Beverly Hillbillies style that you have to leave it parked on the street in front of your old house to deal with later. Have enough people to help you unload the first trailer's contents into your garage, then have everyone except you leave, allowing you to marinate in your anger at not having had a freakin' moving company just do the job for you.

While the husband character makes the 45-minute drive back down with his buddies to get the second load and the brand new bedroom set you ordered, have a friend that's better than you deserve come and help you to move every box that you just took off the first trailer into the appropriate rooms in your new home.

When your slightly dramatic mother and two slightly crazy brothers arrive, you will be pouring out the contents of various boxes and combining them into what you believe may be the proper new places. The arrival of these new cooks may cause your dear helping friend to leave, but the recipe's not ruined. Just make a mental note that you owe him - big time. Also make sure you are completely unable to decide on where anything goes except for the tin foil and the plastic wrap - those belong in that one drawer over there.

Call your hubby. Understand that while he's doing as best as he can, you have three people "helping" you unpack things that don't exactly need to be unpacked first.

Upon hearing you have nearly two hours before any real moving will begin, one brother will most certainly open a box to find packets of Pop Rocks, which the second brother will just have to eat. ("Dude! Pop Rocks!" may be uttered. The lack of this phrase, however, while funny coming from a 6'4" man, will not result in flat or dry results.)

The brother who finds the Pop Rocks will also find a bottle of wine shaped like a cat. This will be a key ingredient, so just shake your head when he thinks he's going to find a corkscrew.

Swear out loud when he actually does.

(Somewhere in here you should try to feel bad after making inappropriate jokes about wine bottles shaped like cats when you realize it was your slightly dramatic mother that gave it to you on your last anniversary.)

Laugh when you both realize the wine is old, the cork dry and the corkscrew crappy. Although the cat wine is a key ingredient, tease him for thinking he can still open the wine bottle.

Tell him you will NOT be the new neighbor that calls 911 in the first 12 hours in your new home when he sticks a steak knife into the dry cork.

Call him something that rhymes with "plumb ass" when he then sticks a cheese spreader into the cork. Laugh at him again when you realize this cheese spreader has a cheerful snowman on the end and its carrot nose has pierced his finger.

Wish you had some cheese.

Gape at him with your eyes wide and your mouth hanging open when he actually opens the stupid bottle of cat wine with the cheese spreader. Be sure to mention the bits of cork floating in the wine, though you know this roughage is probably good for you.

Next, while you're still wishing you had cheese, this unique chef-brother of yours will find a plastic water bottle and the barrel grating mechanism from a hand-crank cheese grater. This is an important step: He will "triple filter" the cat wine through this cheese grating barrel.

Once satisfied, you should pour it into the first glasses you find, especially if they are large plastic ones from a hotel with an indoor water park.

Try not to die laughing when your second brother, while scavenging through kitchen boxes like a hobo, finds a box of peeps and eats three before he loudly proclaims them to be stale. Remind him that Easter was six months ago.

Chew your cork while you realize that they do, however, make the perfect garnish.


WeaselMomma said...

and you have to eat Thanksgiving Dinner with these people? Next time hire movers. They are like a colonoscopy, very expensive, but can many good years to your life.

Mama Smurf said...

Thanks for the laugh, Colleen! I hope you're getting settled!

I think this is one recipe that I will not be copying down. I'm with WeaselMomma on this one! LOL

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

You? have good peeps, my dear. I cannot imagine moving with or without family.

Denise said...

I've missed you and your blog, but am happy to hear that all of the trials and tribulations of moving AND being sick AND quitting your job (really?!?!) are at least giving you some great comedic material! Knowing you, you're knee-deep in boxes right this very minute, cursing under your breath but composing the perfect blog post in your head : )

Best of luck to you my dear ... can't wait to hear all about it!

Kim H. said...

OHMYGAWSH!!! Colleen, this clearly has to make it to the "best of" funny -- and so well written! You are a comedic genius and i'll love you forever for that! :)

Okay, explain the 911 call to me --really?....maybe that person should stay away from carving any turkeys. Just sayin'.

Monday before Thanksgiving HUGS!!!