Thursday, November 18, 2010

30 days of truth, day 03 - Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Another doozie, and one for which I don't think I have a real answer.

Forgiveness is one of those things that is more beneficial to the "forgive-ee" than it is to the person they are forgiving. Lots of people have that wrong - they'll hold grudges or stay angry for years because they don't feel the other person is worth their forgiveness.

But here's the thing - and I experienced, first hand, how detrimental it can be to other people you love to stay mad at someone for years...decades... - if you choose to stay angry, the rage you feel can totally blind you from seeing how much you're missing while spending your energy on hate.

I wish I could go into more detail for you, but honestly, its part of my past that is too personal to share on the interwebs, and I've long since forgiven the person who harbored all of that anguish for so many years. So many other things could have happened...the entire essence of my childhood could have been so different. But it wasn't, and I've let go of the anger I had at that person who was so angry.

I was actually angry for a number of years at all the kids who had life easier than I did growing up. I hated every girl who had nice clothes and every kid who got a used car at graduation. I loathed all the kids who had parents who drove them to college and helped them move in on their first day. I abhored the kids who didn't have to work their ways through school.

And then, one day I realized...that life was all they knew the same way my life was all I knew. How could I hate them for something I wanted for my future children? For something they didn't choose any more than I chose my position in life? I started to see this grudge for how ridiculous it was and I'm long since over it. I just hope I can raise my kids to fit somewhere in between - I want them to have more than I did but still know the value of working for something yourself.

So I while I can't honestly say I feel there's anything in my life that I need to forgive myself for right now, I'll just go ahead and forgive myself for sort of half-assing this one.

The List
Day 01: Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02: Something you love about yourself.
Day 03: Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04: Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05: Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06: Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07: Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08: Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09: Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10: Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11: Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12: Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13: A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter)
Day 14: A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15: Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16: Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17: A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18: Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19: What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20: Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21: (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22: Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23: Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24: Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25: The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27: What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28: What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29: Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30: A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.


Marni said...

God, I admire the way you write.

I wish that forgiveness was as easy done as it is said. It is NOT my strong suit and no matter how I say I work on it, I just can't seem to move along as quickly as I'd like.

This is a hard challenge huh? A lot of it is sort of "beating around the bush" but writing what is really hard to write. If that makes any sense. Just because it's too much reveal all of it and yet so wonderful to get it "out". My brain hurts from thinking too hard for these posts.

Great write, as always.

Laskigal said...

Of all days to catch up . . . to visit, and I read this. Procrastination is a good thing. "the entire essence of my childhood could have been so different. But it wasn't, and I've let go of the anger I had at that person who was so angry." I get this on so many levels.

Like you, I spent far too long consumed with wondering why they were a have and I a have not. There are times I find myself slipping, folding up inside myself to wallow in my anger, which is really just shallow pain. I allow myself those moments--but only moments.

Strength resides in you . . . it is so easy to see with the way it wraps around your words.

Alisha said...

That would be really hard to write about. I think anything you need to forgive yourself for is hard in general to think of. This 30 day thing looks fun though. :)

OHmommy said...

I think lots of adolescents have similar feelings. I know I did. Sometimes I still do and need to remind myself.