Monday, February 15, 2010

Slacker.

You can easily scroll down this page and find that I don't regularly post here anymore.

I had someone ask me the other day if I'd been writing more, now that I'm home more. That'd be a big NO.

Its not that I don't want to, its just that I'm not sure if this is the right forum for me anymore.

This isn't a "Good-bye blog!" type of post. Its a "here's why I haven't been posting" type of post.

In the two years I've been writing here at this lovely little spot on the Web, I've gained quite a following. (And don't let that lonely little feed counter chicklet fool you - it may show only 180-some subscribers, but I know, from comments I regularly get both in real life and online, that many people who don't subscribe in a feed reader read what I write here.) That following includes family and friends...people I've known my entire life...and co-workers, old and new.

Its easier for me to bare my soul and just write what I feel when I think no one I know is listening.

Maybe that's weird, or maybe that's what binds those of us in the blogging community. I don't know.

But the truth is, a lot has changed in my life in the past few months. I knew it would throw me for a loop, and GOD has it ever. I went from being on the verge of a freakin' break down only to add more to it while working, packing and moving.

And sometime just after we moved? We decided it was finally time to just let some things go.

I put in my notice to leave my full-time job.

It was a HUGE relief. No more hour-long drives to get downtown, no traffic to fight, no clothes if I didn't feel like getting out of my PJs.

Only they weren't willing to accept my resignation. Cuz it turns out? There aren't that many people in the entire state who do what I do. Huh. You don't say.

So we worked out a deal where I would work part-time, from home. Sounds like a dream, right? They were going to hire someone to replace the old full-time me, and hopefully keep me on PT hours to do some of the more mediocre (yet important) things that can get overlooked in light of all the busy-ness of the work day.

But that was more than three months ago.

So, yes. Its been nice to be able to dilly-dally over breakfast in the morning, and to close up shop at 3:30 in the afternoon if I so choose. But this new lifestyle brings with it different challenges. Like, oh, if you have a hubby who sometimes works overnight shifts, well that means that you may just have to juggle taking care of the kids AND work so he can sleep. And that? SUCKS.

We've discussed sending the kids to the sitter's on some of those "Daddy Sleep Days", but that would mean getting them up and dressed and fed and out the door by a certain time and dammit that sucks too.

Above and beyond that? Its just plain LONELY being a cop's wife. For five years now we've worked shifts opposite each other and its really wearing on me. Its exacerbated by the fact that we now live out in the boonies and I no longer actually see any of my co-workers. Our kids are very young yet and they need more attention than I seem to be able to give.

I swear, as God is my witness, I will one day eat my dinner again before its cold.

Just sayin'.

I go days without really seeing my Hubby except for maybe a few hours while we eat or run an errand or two. When he is off, I want to cram as much fun into life as possible. Because, let's face it, being by yourself with two kids, no matter how great they are, isn't usually much fun. Adult fun, anyway.

So, yeah. Without going into it further, my life just isn't what I thought it would be, you know? I realize that makes me a freakin' cliche...that hundreds of thousands of other people the world over feel the same way. I mean, that's been the basis of how many movies and books?

Instead of writing what I really feel about it all, I just keep cleaning my three bathrooms, keep picking up toys, and play one more game of Solitaire.

Cuz that's apparently the type of slacker I am.

11 comments:

Secret Mom Thoughts said...

I understand how you feel. I try to cram in the fun when hubby is home too. It is hard when you don't get to talk to adults much during the day. Hang in there.

Tara R. said...

It's for different reasons, but sounds like our lives are a lot a like. There are days that go by without my ever leaving our house, or speaking to another adult other than my hubs. I do however get to eat meals while they're warm.

I hope your muse and your life returns to normal and you get your writing mojo back.

Laski said...

I'm with Tara. My writing mojo is on an extended break.

It's what happens when life gets in the way. And ya know what . . . it is totally OK.

Roger said...

I always laugh when people say it must be nice to work from home every now and again. Except for the fact that the rest of the family forgets that you are actually working, or supposed to be. :-)

Glad to hear that you and the family are doing okay, and I look forward to when you get that "I love to write" feeling back again.

Until then, enjoy wearing the jammies and playing with the boys. :-)

Kelley said...

blogging is supposed to be fun. When it turns into a chore it is time to walk away for a little while.

Or a long while.

Until you get your groove back.

Or not.

Whatever.

Smootches babe. Sounds like you could do with them.

LceeL said...

What Kelley said. For reals. This is supposed to be fun. Or at least satisfying. When it stops being those things - maybe it's time to start a new blog that no one you know, in REal Life, knows about - so you can get back to being able to 'get it off your chest'.

Burgh Baby said...

Kelley is really smart. You should listen to her (but don't tell her I said that because KABOOM! Her head is big enough now, can you imagine the explosion if it gets bigger?).

Seriously, there's nothing wrong with taking a break until you get it all sorted out. And you will get it sorted out.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

1. I've often wondered if I shouldn't start blogging anon. for the same reasons you state.
2. I'm so sorry things are crazy and NOT what you expected.
3. Being lonely sucks. That makes things look even more bleak.
4. Take care of yourself, honey.

Kim H. said...

Colleen,

Wow! I think we might be floating in the same boat -- except I only have three people that read my blog. You, my friend, are far more famous!!! :)

At any rate, I can relate to ur post on so many levels. It's sort of like you can't sort out the grass is greener scenario when you've been on both sides of the yard. And I think when you have the "best of both worlds" as imperfect humans, we can't help but question.

As for the feelings of lonliness, I feel for you. I spent 10 months of Leo back and forth and it broke my heart. Not for me so much, but for my kids. I hated watching them say goodbye to him and not be able to tell them when we'd be living under one roof again.

I got to TN and I gave up all my friends, moved further from family, moved to a town where judgements had been made because I grew up North of the Mason-Dixon. It was rough. I never felt so alone, even though we were all together again. I didn't want to blog. I wanted my old life back. I was downright depressed.

But it is getting better -- and you will adjust and once the weather breaks it'll get better too. May be plan to meet a friend during the week with the kiddos for dinner to break up the monotony.

And to me, you have been a bright spot. I love and adore your humor and am glad through this crazy thing called blogging our paths crossed. So, whether or not you choose to carry on (which I hope you do!) I'll still keep checking up on you!!!! :)

Hugs!

Denise said...

I so get what you're saying, Colleen. SO get it! It's like life is this big, complicated, complex ordeal day in and day out ... and we keep dreaming up dreams about how we're going to make things better by changing this job, and making this move, and staying home, etc. etc....only come to find out that THAT new idea just has it's own set of challenges and issues! I SO get it ... but I'm cheering for you and hope that you will keep writing as you make your moves and try your new things. Because you certainly aren't alone in the way you feel ... and it's comforting in a totally random way to know that some total stranger in WI "gets" me : )

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