The worst stripper ever

Tammy wrote a post a few weeks back about an experience with a stripper that reminded me of one of my own. Now, I don't say this to appear prudish, but strippers just aren't really my thing. I mean good looking muscular men = good, same good looking muscular men slimed up with oil nearly naked rubbing themselves on every woman in the room for money = eeew.

But I've been at more than one bachelorette party where said slimy naked man was also invited.

A good friend of mine was married in the fall of 2002 and her sister, who was nineteen at the time, planned her bachelorette party. Now, the fact that she was nineteen was only part of the problem - I mean, there are probably very few women in this world that are "stripper experts", right? (Lets hope so.) Anywhoo...she first was unsure of the idea, so she called to reserve the guy (would that be the right word - "reserve"?) a week and a half before the party. And with that sort of notice, the only time he was available was at 6:30 p.m.

Yeah. Big fun.

So, while it was still daylight, we headed to the Bride's Sister's apartment. Someone mentioned that maybe we'd have more fun if we had a few drinks. Only, like I've already said, Bride's Sister was only 19 and didn't have any liquor.

Except one bottle of vodka.

And there was nothing to mix it with.

Someone started to do shots.

I politely said, "No thanks."

Now, I know what it cost just to get the guy to come through the door. Bride's Sister had asked each of us girls in the wedding party to chip in to cover the cost and like a good friend I did. I mean, that's what the Bride had wanted, right? I don't remember specifics now, but I think I pitched in around $40.

So, Sir Stripper gets there with his Boom Box Attendant Man and goes into the bathroom to change. Boom Box Attendant Man (BBAM) tells us to find a chair for the Bride to sit on and we put it in the middle of the room for her.

Now I must tell you, Sir Stripper is about 5'2". Bride is about 5'8" and there are many "tall-ies" in the room, so this clearly wasn't the man Bride's Sister originally ordered. But we decide it doesn't matter. He tells us his name is "Sugar Shane" (I'm not making this up) which sort of makes the whole situation more laughable. But I digress.

By this point, Bride is on the downward side of drunk. She's worked her way up to drunk and has kept drinking, over the precipice of the hill and is on the other side. She is whooping and hollering and yelling things like, "BRING IT ON!!!"

Now, again, Bride's Sister - like almost all of us have been at some point in our lives, let's not judge - was in the "whatever cheap furniture I can find and afford" stage. So the chair we found for the Bride was one of those that didn't have four legs, but sort of looked like a "C" from the side. (See highly artistic depiction of said chair. I don't know what those things are officially called, so I couldn't find it via a Google search. Instead I drew my own.)

BBAM begins to play something like "Pour some sugar on me" and Sir Stripper emerges, writhing and thrusting and the crowd of women start doing that "WHOOOOOO!" thing, waving their arms above their heads like women do when they're drunk and see a stripper. Another good friend and I stand near the back, completely enjoying the humor of the entire spectacle.

Sir Stripper gyrates in front of the Bride, removing clothing until he gets down to the leather g-string he's wearing under whatever the heck costume he originally had on and he's slimy and sweaty, then walks around the circle of chickies, taking random peoples' hands and rubbing them up and down his chest. Gag me.

Then he goes back to face the Bride. He gives her a wry smile, as if to say, "Hmmm...does this smile make you wonder what I'm up to next?" then whirls around, his back to her, and squats down on the floor. In one swift movement, he does a sort of donkey kick, and (the Bride ducking) does a hand stand, then rests his legs on the Bride's shoulders. What a view.

Only a few seconds later, there's a shriek from the Bride and they crumble into a pile on the floor.

ACK! - Gasp! - clutches for invisible pearls - "OH MY GOSH!" - and finally someone rushes in to see if they're OK. Sir Stripper is still laying on top of Bride, and he struggles to get up. Bride's face is red and we're horrified until we see she's laughing.

The chair Bride was sitting on had collapsed; the "C" was now more like a "V" (but sideways - I'm not drawing another picture, you'll just have to close your eyes and imagine it). Sir Stripper apologizes and we laugh, and he goes on with the rest of his routine.

This entire time, money is flying about as if it will start our pocketbooks on fire if it is not spent. When all is said and done, the time is about 7:30 and we're nearly broke and ready for dinner. Sir Stripper goes into the bathroom to change.

A few minutes later, he emerges, looking MUCH better with his clothes on, thank you, and crosses the room to the front door while telling us where he'll be "dancing" later and that we should come and see him.

Before heading out he turns to us, our money making another bulge in his pocket and says, "Can anyone bum a smoke?"

Join me every Friday for Flashback Fridays. Review the rules here.

---